


Forever's Gonna Start Tonight

by londonbird



Series: All I Ever Wanted Is Here In My Arms [1]
Category: Football RPF
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Getting Together, Guilt, Infidelity, Insecurity, Love, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-29
Updated: 2017-12-28
Packaged: 2018-10-12 16:24:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,428
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10494834
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/londonbird/pseuds/londonbird
Summary: Sergio and Fernando meet again unexpectedly a year after their secret relationship ended.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The introduction to this universe/series. I hope you enjoy!

“I can't go back home.”

Sergio heard the words come out of Fernando’s mouth and frowned, trying to make sense of them but couldn’t. He could not imagine anything that would make him say that, Fernando, whose home and family was holy to him, the center of his life. Why would he not be able to go back there? It sounded absurd but equally worrying. Fernando seemed so serious, it was not a joke, which meant something extremely bad must have happened. His heart lurched as the frown on his face deepened.

“What? Why?”, he blurted out, staring at Fernando’s back, watching him but he seemed to not even as much as blink at his question. There was no answer, of course Fernando wouldn't easily talk about something like that, and so he asked again, softer this time, no longer questioning the truth of Fernando's words but rather the motive behind them. “Why, Fer? Did something happen?”

He hesitantly moved over to the bed, sitting down on the edge but refusing to get any closer than that for now, wary of the symbolism, the implications, the memories this simple gesture would bring with it. Memories of the last time they'd shared a bed, the last time he'd been close to Fernando, physically, mentally, emotionally. That day, they had agreed to stop seeing each other in secret, and ever since Sergio felt like he had entered some parallel universe where he was just an incomplete version of himself.

They hadn't met in private since and he was still trying to wrap his head around the fact that they were meeting again now, in this place, this apartment that even though technically it belonged to Sergio, had never felt like his, but always like _theirs_. Their secret, their hideaway, where they could forget the outside world, pretend it didn't exist, a bubble only consisting of themselves and their affection for each other.

Even after they stopped seeing each other Sergio had continued to regularly come here, whenever he needed to get away from it all, seeking comfort in the sheets that still smelled like Fernando after weeks and months or at least that's what he liked to pretend. He never really expected to run into Fernando here one day, it was him who had wanted to stop so he had no reason to come back. And Sergio hadn't wanted to get his hopes up for nothing, set himself up for even more pain, so he'd killed off any tiny bout of hope he'd initially harboured quickly after the first few weeks.

So when he had come here today after training, not even knowing why he was feeling so down, everything had seemed normal, there were no signs of Fernando's presence until he walked into the bedroom and found him there, at least half-naked from the looks of it, in the bed. Sergio had stopped dead in his tracks, for a moment it was like the wind had been knocked out of him, unable to breathe and he gripped the doorframe to steady himself. Then his heart and mind started racing, a million thoughts threatening to crush his brain - what was he going to do or say, what was he _supposed_ to do or say? They weren't lovers anymore, they weren't friends either, so how were they supposed to treat each other? He didn't know, yet he already felt the fear of ruining the situation, so he kept quiet and just stared at Fernando's back that was facing him, trying to calm down somehow and find the right thing to say.

“I know you're standing there”, Fernando had broken the silence then all of a sudden. His voice sounded different, it had always been soft and quiet, he wasn't a loud person, but now he just sounded small and like he was tired of life, which went straight to Sergio's heart and made him want to forget any caution, any of the self-protective measures he had put into place after their “break-up” because he knew he couldn't live through it a second time. He'd actually sworn himself to stay away from Fernando for the rest of his life, as ridiculous as it sounded, but he had needed that closure. 

Yet now that he was presented with Fernando, he felt his resolve crumble quickly, because even after everything that had happened, he could still not simply stand by and watch as Fernando was obviously hurting. He decided to find out what was going on and then go from there, even though all he really wanted to do was to get on the bed and hold Fernando.

“Why are you here?”, he asked him then, biting his lip immediately after as he worried whether he had sounded too cold, too harsh. He didn't want to make Fernando feel like he wasn't welcome, it was his place just as much as it was Sergio's, and all Sergio wanted to do anyway after seeing him like this was comfort him. He briefly wondered what could've made Fernando return here, but it was impossible to guess; he figured that even if it had been something involving Olalla, he would not have come here, as he'd chosen her over Sergio. 

It hurt for a second as he reminded himself that that was exactly what had happened, how Fernando had done what he had never thought possible, leaving him for good and that therefore, he really shouldn't get involved with him again in any way. But being reasonable had never been Sergio's strong suit, he was ruled by his emotions and feelings, not as much nowadays when he was younger but still, he preferred to listen to his heart rather than his head.

And it really made him want to ignore the past and just be there for him now. It was still Fernando, after all, and he'd be lying if he said he didn't care about him anymore. In fact, he'd never stopped and he never would, no matter how hard he tried to convince himself otherwise, because he didn't know how to. Fernando had been his first true love, and there would never be anything like it. And he would do everything he could to hang onto that love, even if it killed him.

That's when Fernando had claimed that he couldn't go back home, a statement that had both confused and upset Sergio, and now here he was, finding himself scooting closer to Fernando's back, ignoring the warnings his brain was throwing at him not to get too close. He was helpless, he couldn't ignore him or his feelings for him which were still very much intact, it worked from a distance but not with Nando here in front of him, seemingly broken in his bed.

Sergio sighed quietly when Fernando still remained silent, not answering his question. He moved to lie on his side, mirroring Fernando's position, his hand itching to reach out and touch the bare skin in front of him, craving the silky feel that he remembered so well. Being so close to Fernando now, he could feel the tension in his body and it was almost unbearable. He felt compelled to do something about it, touch him, hug him, kiss him, anything to cause the tension to dissolve, but he knew the moment he gave in there would be no turning back.

Still watching Fernando's back, his thoughts drifted off into memories, of when they had spent whole days in this bed, Fernando telling him stories about England and what he missed about it sometimes, how he had tried to teach him English words while Sergio was barely even listening because he was too busy counting and kissing all the freckles on Fernando's body. They were still there now, he could see them, almost dancing in front of his eyes, teasing him. The urge to give in was growing stronger the longer he stared at them, and eventually his hand lifted as if on its own accord, coming to rest on Fernando's hip, squeezing lightly, encouraging him to turn around.

His fingers ghosted over Fernando's hipbone, nails scraping and thumb rubbing just enough to cause goosebumps to build all over his golden skin and he could feel his own heart hammering in his chest, overwhelmed by the instant sense of familiarity and the satisfaction of finally touching what still felt like his. He needed more of that so he closed the gap between their bodies, fitting them together perfectly as he pressed his chest against Fernando's back, eyes drifting shut as he reveled in the contact. He pressed his face into Fernando's neck, taking in his scent and pulling him even closer.

“Tell me what happened, Fer.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter focuses on Fernando and his point of view.

“I can't go back home”, Fernando said, almost choking on his words, his heart twisting with every single one of them. He swallowed hard, eyes drifting shut while he tried to keep his composure. Saying it out loud had only made it more painful, more real. Somewhat final, too, even though it was just Sergio he'd told, but it felt more like he'd announced it to the whole world already. Instead of less pressure, like he had hoped when he had forced out those words, he suddenly felt more. There was no going back now, he had to go through with his decision or he'd look like a fool. Only in front of Sergio, yes, but Sergio happened to be more important to him than most people.

Sergio, whose eyes he could feel on his back, whose eyes he could imagine perfectly, big with worry and confusion. “What? Why?” His voice sounded incredulous, disbelieving, as if Fernando had just claimed the sky was green. When there was no answer, he asked again, softer this time, no longer questioning the truth of Fernando's words but rather the motive behind them. “Why, Fer? Did something happen?”

Well yes, something had happened. Or rather, he had done something, something he had wanted to do for a long time and that would change his life forever and maybe - hopefully? - Sergio's, too. Something he had been scared of for so long but finally had found the guts to do. He had broken up with Olalla.

He felt himself tearing up as he thought of her and bit his lip hard. The look on her face when he'd told her would haunt him for the rest of his life, and he knew he deserved it, too. She had been calm at first, paralyzed by the shock because she hadn't seen it coming, but when it had started to sink in things had turned ugly. She'd made a scene, crying, yelling, begging, nearly hysterical when he'd repeated his decision and confirmed that he was serious. 

Fernando had immediately asked himself if maybe he should have chosen a different time, a different day to do this, but deep down he knew that it wouldn't have changed anything. In fact, he should have done it earlier, and he had wanted to, but circumstances had been against him back then. He had regretted it ever since and it had taken him a whole year to gather up the courage again. 

Yet he couldn't really say he was feeling any better now. There was no relief, just uncertainty about his future, like whether he'd ever see his kids again, whether he'd be all alone from now on, what his life would look like without the dreaded, but easy routine of family life. Maybe he had made a mistake. He didn't know and a part of him actually didn't want to find out. He just wanted to forget about everything and not have to worry about anything anymore. That's why he had come here, to hide, and he honestly hadn't expected to meet Sergio.

He actually hadn't even expected that this place still existed. He thought Sergio might have gotten rid of it as there wasn't really a need for it anymore plus he was the type of person who would struggle to deal with all the memories. But as it turned out, Sergio seemed set on preserving those memories, as he had not changed a thing in the apartment. The furniture, decorations, everything looked the same, from the cushions on the sofa to the curtains. There even was a fresh arrangement of orchids - Fernando's favourite flowers - on the table in the dining room, like it used to be back then. It was as if everything had been waiting for him to return, as if he'd just popped out to get some take-away and would come back any minute.

Only Sergio had been missing, but he was here now, on the bed, and Fernando could feel him move closer and he swallowed hard, trying to prepare himself for what was to come. An impossible task as, when he felt Sergio’s hand connect with his skin, it felt like it was suddenly burning. Sergio’s fingernails grazed his hip, making warmth spread throughout his whole body. Making him feel like he was coming alive for the first time in weeks or maybe months, and he didn’t want to give in, he knew it was wrong and he didn't deserve it after what he'd done but it felt so good and he also didn’t know how to stop it.

Then Sergio was pressing against him and murmuring against his neck and it made Fernando shudder, warm breath and fingertips on his skin, all those little sensations that reminded him of how they used to be together, what they would do to each other. How Sergio had made him feel, holding him safely, protectively, possessively. Touching him in a way that was loving and gentle, comforting. Familiar. But also wanting, an expression of desire somehow.

Only Sergio could make him feel that way and he let out a small whimper at the realization that it was happening now, when he had thought he would never get to experience it again. He felt Sergio freeze for a second at the noise and then his hand was starting to pull back, probably thinking Fernando was protesting his touch, but Fernando quickly reached up, covering Sergio's hand with his own and keeping it in place, threading their fingers together. “Don't stop”, he whispered, not caring if he sounded desperate. “Please.”

He needed this, to take his mind off the thoughts and fearful fantasies that had been torturing him ever since he'd left his house earlier that afternoon. Distraction from the fact that he had just destroyed Olalla's life and his own more or less, that he had let his family down by becoming the person he had tried so hard not to be. It would haunt him for the rest of his life, he was sure about that, but he needed to forget about it just for a little bit.

And if he was completely honest, he wanted to be close to Sergio again, indulge in his feelings for him once more, those feelings that had never left or even died down. No, Fernando had simply managed to numb himself to them so that it was easier to go about his everyday life, acting normal around Olalla and playing the perfect husband when it was so far from what he really wanted. But now it was like an old wound had opened up again at the presence of Sergio, his feelings for him set free after being dormant for so long, making themselves known in every fibre of his body.

It wasn't quite the right moment, he knew they should have talked first because it wasn’t fair to Sergio. He had a right to know what was going on. Why Fernando was here, suddenly choosing to burst into his life again, without any warning and after ditching him a year ago. He should have given an explanation first but he needed something else in that moment, it was selfish but apparently that was who he was now, so it wasn’t like he was going to make it any worse.

Once again, there seemed to be a split second of hesitation on Sergio's part but then he followed his request, fingertips pressing down harder now as they travelled over his skin and eventually slipped lower, teasing, under the waistband of his underwear. It made Fernando's breath hitch in his throat and his hips instinctively pushed forward.

And Sergio understood, still knowing how to read him and his reactions, and willing to give Fernando whatever he wanted. It was too easy, Fernando knew he was taking advantage but he couldn’t feel guilty. Not when he felt Sergio move his hand even lower and wrap around him, squeezing lightly before running his thumb over the head.

He failed to hold back a moan, arousal increasingly clouding his brain even at such simple touches. It had been way too long since he'd felt like this, touched by someone he _wanted_ to touch him, where he didn't have to fake anything. This was real and it felt incredible, his fantasy of the past months coming to life again, and he didn't even care in that moment what the consequences would be, whether it would be the last time again or not.

Sergio's hand started to move on him in a steady pace while his mouth left a wet trail on Fernando's neck, licking, sucking, kissing but just lightly, teasingly, mindful not to leave any marks after years of sneaking around but also because he knew it would drive Fernando crazy, and it did. He felt his pulse quicken underneath Sergio's lips, wet and soft against his burning skin, and he knew already that he wouldn't last much longer.

It was as if he’d never left Sergio’s arms, as if he hadn’t asked that they stopped seeing each other, breaking both of their hearts that night. He had often wondered whether they'd be able to pick up just where they left off, if it would feel the same if they ever had the chance to be together again, and now he was getting his answer. It was exactly the same, if not more intense due to the fact they hadn't had this in so long. 

He could tell Sergio was hungry for it, too, from the way he pressed up against him to his heavy panting into Fernando's neck. It was like he could feel him everywhere on his body and he loved it, he felt like he'd never been this close to Sergio and they weren't even naked. Sergio was still wearing his sweatpants and a t-shirt, and Fernando wished more than anything that he weren't, that he could feel all of him, all of Sergio wrapped around him.

Still, his breath was coming shorter as the heat was building up in the pit of his stomach, muscles tensing and twitching as he felt it coming closer. Just a few more firm strokes, Sergio's beard scratching over that sensitive spot on his neck, tongue darting out to ease the light burn and it was too much, he was coming undone with a gasp, hand tightly grasping Sergio’s arm that was still moving on him, nails digging into tattooed skin to ground him, desperate to hold onto something as pleasure overtook him.

Fernando's mind went blank, all the guilt and fear lifted off of his shoulders, providing the relief he had been craving for hours. He felt deeply relaxed and at peace and allowed himself to bask in the feeling laying completely still, with Sergio holding him tight and back to rubbing little circles on his hip. This was what he wanted, what he needed, what he should have fought for all along. But he hadn't and so he didn't really deserve it. Not after he'd hurt so many people along the way, his wife, his children, and most of all Sergio. 

He sighed quietly as the lightheaded feeling started to wear off and he was coming back to reality. Sergio was still clinging onto him, face hidden in the crook of his neck and he could tell that he needed this as much as Fernando himself. 

“Sergio.” The name rolled off his tongue surprisingly easy, and he could feel Sergio hum against his skin in response, but he didn't pull away.

“I…”, Fernando took a deep breath, going over the words again and again in his head until they didn't even sound like words anymore, just a random combination of letters that didn't make sense. He had to get them out now. “I left Olalla.”


	3. Chapter 3

Sergio felt like he was floating, listening to his own breath that was now perfectly synced with Fernando’s. It was as if they were completely separated from time and space, just the two of them, and nothing else existed. Fernando was boneless in his embrace, all the tension gone from his body and having been replaced by softness as he had finally been able to relax. It reminded Sergio so much of how they used to be, calming each other down after an upsetting match or just a particularly stressful day.

There was something about Fernando's presence that had always made Sergio feel relaxed, like he was automatically at peace when Fernando was there. With his quiet voice and gentle manners he radiated calm and Sergio really needed that sometimes, time where he could just _be_ and didn't have to talk, lead, entertain or whatever. Because contrary to popular belief, he too had moments where he felt tired, upset or just didn't want to be the center of attention and Fernando understood that.

When he heard Fernando say his name, Sergio didn't think much of it. He didn't expect Fernando to want to talk now, probably still reveling in post-orgasmic bliss and he didn't blame him. Even though he still hadn't gotten an answer to his questions, he was enjoying the moment way too much to destroy it with such a serious conversation.

So he just hummed in response, nuzzling Fernando’s neck as he pulled his body against him even tighter. He never wanted to let go of him again, even though he knew he shouldn't go there, not even in his wildest dreams. But he couldn't help it because deep down there was that eternal hope that they would be together again someday. 

“I left Olalla.” Fernando's voice hit him like a punch in the face and suddenly he was wide awake. Could he believe his own ears, the words he'd just heard? He wasn't sure. 

Sergio had waited years to hear them, eventually coming to the painful conclusion that he never would. He had accepted that he would only ever be second best, until he wasn't even that anymore, and now this. “You what?” Maybe he had misheard him. Maybe he was fantasizing, maybe he'd drifted off without noticing and dreamed this. 

There was silence for a moment and then Fernando shook his head lightly. “Don't make me say it again.” His voice was quiet, tired and with an edge of shame to it. So it was true. Sergio's mouth went dry and he could feel his heartbeat speed up. This could mean so many things and he wasn’t prepared for any of them. Hell, he hadn’t been prepared for seeing Fernando ever again, apart from on the pitch.

His mind wanted to start playing out various scenarios, but he forced himself not to get into that, as tempting as it was. He had to focus on Fernando and figure out what was going on with him, and it would inevitably lead to figuring out how this affected their relationship, too.

“I just… I couldn't stay there anymore. It was killing me.” Fernando's voice broke at the end and it made Sergio's heart ache, his need to protect and help Fernando growing stronger by the second. He couldn't make much sense of Fernando's words and yet they worried him. It sounded like he'd been having serious problems at home, and not just since yesterday.

Sergio found himself squeezing Fernando's side reassuringly as he tried to think about reasons why Fernando would feel unhappy at home. He had always put his children and family first, it was hard to imagine what could have caused him to change that and willingly leave them behind. It would have to be something serious if he saw no other solution, which was not exactly a comforting thought.

“You're safe here, you know that, right? You can stay as long as you want.” The words left his mouth almost without thinking because it wasn't a question. Just the idea of Fernando being in some kind of pain, emotional or physical, was too much for him to bear, and he was ready to do anything to help him, regardless of the past.

He felt Fernando tense up at his words and frowned because he didn't understand. Had he said something wrong? He hadn't meant to imply anything, he only wanted Fernando to know that he could always come to this place. “I shouldn't be here, Sese. Not after…”, Fernando trailed off to take in a shaky breath. “Not after I hurt you.”

Fernando pulled away slightly, creating some space between them so he could turn around and face Sergio. It was perhaps the most difficult thing he'd ever done, looking Sergio in the eye after cutting him out of his life a year ago. A year that ended up being the most painful in his life, where he'd grown lonelier by the day, bitter and even a little depressed. He'd quickly come to realize that a life without Sergio wasn't a life he desired, but he'd made his decision and he couldn't bail on his family at that point.

No one knew this, but he had actually intended to leave Olalla the year before. After years of sneaking around with Sergio, Fernando was tired of it and besides he had known for a long time that his place was with him. He had always told himself that he would go through with it once the kids were older and it had finally seemed time then.

Still, it had taken him weeks to build up the courage, think over the words thousands of times, everything perfectly rehearsed in his mind. He'd planned out the whole scene and conversation, he was ready for every possible reaction and outcome. And then Olalla had found out that she was pregnant again and his carefully arranged plan had shattered into a million pieces. He hadn't been prepared for that, the possibility hadn’t even crossed his mind because it was so absurd but it was clear that he couldn't leave her with a baby on the way.

It was then that he'd started to hate himself, every day a little more. For messing up like that, slipping up that one night, shortly after his return to Atlético, when he had been so happy to be home again that he let himself get carried away with her. Just once but it had been enough to ruin his chance of escape from that gilded cage of a life he was leading.

Probably served him right, he thought. He never should have started anything with Sergio anyway, he felt ashamed to have built what was basically a second life with him, behind the back of his wife and kids. It wasn't right and maybe this was his punishment, for thinking he would be able to get away with it. 

There was no way he could have kept up his relationship with Sergio after that, the guilt weighing ten times heavier on his shoulders, so Fernando had ended it, doing what he thought he had to and hurting them both in the process. And there hadn't been a day where he hadn't thought about him since then, regretting, wishing he could wake up next to those brown eyes once again or feel the comfort of his soft lips and tattooed arms around him. Instead he was waking up alone most days, Olalla already going about her day, planning and arranging and deciding their daily life. _His_ life.

He spoiled his daughter from the second she was born, thankful for the distraction but also because he was terrified she wouldn't feel loved enough. That she would feel that she was keeping him from the life he wanted even though she wasn't to blame for that and when he looked at Elsa, he actually felt nothing but love for her. He genuinely loved her and only wanted the best for her, like he did for all his children and in the end they were the only reason he had managed to hold on for so long and keep up the façade.

With the kids it was easy, because Fernando didn't have to fake his love or interest with them. Spending time with them was one of the few things that managed to make him happy and distract him at least temporarily. His marriage was the complete opposite. He had to force smiles and kisses, play the caring husband when in reality he didn't give a fuck how to decorate the kitchen or whether they should spend their next holiday in the Caribbean or Maldives.

He had shut Olalla out as much as he could and she never asked any questions; but it meant he was alone with his thoughts and feelings, dreams, hopes, fears. He had no one to confide in, he kept it all inside. Several times he got close to calling Sergio, when he felt he couldn't take it anymore and just _had_ to talk to someone. But he never did go through with it, because he was afraid Sergio would treat him like Fernando had treated him, with rejection.

As a result he'd become moody and apathetic to most things going on around him, making himself less approachable to people and sometimes even driving himself insane. One day he would wake up completely crushed, barely making it out of bed, dark thoughts crowding his mind. Other times he would feel like it was all just in his head and not even that bad, and he managed to get through the day just fine. 

But the positivity was never permanent, and after several months of ups and downs Fernando had finally come to the conclusion that he couldn't go on like that. He was scared of a life alone but he also felt it couldn't get worse than it was now apart from losing his kids, but somehow a voice in his head had told him it would help neither them nor him if he stayed but destroyed himself. 

He hadn't even thought about Sergio or what it meant for them, if it was another chance for them, because although he still loved him, he felt he didn't deserve him. Besides, Sergio had his own life too, and even though he had always hinted at his relationship with Pilar being pretty open, who was he to assume that Sergio would drop everything just because Fernando was suddenly available now? It would be foolish to think so.

“Fer.” Sergio's voice was just above a whisper. “You're crying.” Fernando blinked, tears continuously streaming down his cheeks while he tried to figure out how long he'd been staring at Sergio, completely zoned out. He hadn't even noticed when he started crying. Maybe he'd lost it completely now.

“I'm sorry”, he choked out, Sergio's face blurring in front of his eyes as he kept looking at him through his tears. “I'm so sorry.” He tried to calm down, closing his eyes to stop the tears but they just kept coming. And then Sergio wrapped his arms around him and pulled him in against his chest, kissing the top of his head and murmuring comforting words and Fernando couldn’t hold back anymore. His silent crying turned into downright sobbing, all the pent-up feelings from the past months spilling out of him.

He didn’t even have the energy to feel embarrassed at this point, he let it all happen until he felt too exhausted to cry anymore and began to drift off. He was vaguely aware of Sergio petting his hair and he also thought he heard him quietly hum something that sounded like the melody of a flamenco song, which made the corners of his mouth twitch with the tiniest of smiles and for the first time in weeks Fernando didn’t fight sleep but let it willingly take him, knowing he was warm and safe with Sergio, who would - most importantly - still be there when he woke up.


	4. Chapter 4

The sun had already started to set when Fernando woke up again. He blinked open his eyes, stretching lazily before curling up on his side again, pulling the duvet tightly around himself. He felt relaxed and rested, his mind completely blank after heavy sleep and not quite caught up with the situation yet. Until he heard some noises coming from the kitchen and he suddenly remembered where he was and with whom.

Fernando felt the blood rushing to his cheeks instantly, blushing for what a mess he'd been earlier, for how unashamedly he'd cried before falling asleep on Sergio. It made him feel so embarrassed now which was strange, considering how he had used to share everything with Sergio. Things that he hadn't told anyone else, that were only between them. There was no reason to be embarrassed, but Fernando put it down to the fact that he hadn't shown his true feelings to anyone in so long. He was used to keeping things to himself now and exposing himself like that made him feel weak.

Yet in a way it had felt good to let himself go and put down the mask. Especially because Sergio's reaction hadn't changed one bit, the way he'd looked at him full of affection and held him close as if to shield him from the outside world. That had always been the best part about their relationship for Fernando, that in times of stress or disappointment they never had to talk much, they sought comfort in each other's company and touch and oftentimes that was more than enough to find calm again. 

But then he'd gone and ruined it, and Fernando couldn't quite understand how Sergio could still be so gentle and caring with him. How he could still love him after everything. He didn't deserve it.

“Hey.” Sergio chose that moment to appear in the doorframe, hovering slightly awkwardly as if waiting for permission to enter his own bedroom. “You're awake.”

Fernando couldn't help but smile at that obvious statement and how domestic it all felt. Like it was the most normal thing in the world for Sergio to be there when he woke up. He nodded. “I just woke up.” He sat up and leaned against the headboard, fidgeting with the duvet as he didn't know where to put his hands. “What time is it?”

“Half eight”, Sergio said and walked into the room then, slowly approaching the bed. “How are you feeling?” He had hesitated to ask that question but decided to go ahead with it. They had to talk about it eventually and the sooner the better, he thought. Fernando probably disagreed though, he had turned his gaze away and was now staring at his fingers that were playing with the hem of the duvet, seemingly uncomfortable.

The question made Fernando tense up instantly. He hadn't wanted to think about it, the truth was he still felt like shit, that hadn’t changed. But he didn't know how to tell Sergio without sounding dramatic again and bothering him; on the other hand, he knew he didn't have it in him to lie and fake being alright, also because Sergio would see right through him. They knew each other too well for that. So he just stayed silent, avoiding Sergio's eyes and hoping he would move on if he didn't get an answer.

But he had no such luck. Sergio sat down on the bed and reached out, taking one of Fernando's nervous hands in between his own. “Can we talk, please?” 

Fernando’s heart dropped at Sergio's gentle touch and the softness in his voice. He just wanted to give in now, he could feel his resistance dissolve more and more every second that he was sitting here, so close to the man he still loved. He was tired of fighting, tired of pulling himself together, tired of being alone in this. His bottom lip started shaking and he bit down on it, trying to will himself to calm down. 

“Stop fighting it”, Sergio said then, softly, encouraging. Fernando briefly wondered how he could stay so calm and patient this whole time, when he was probably desperate for answers and explanations. And rightfully so. He had just shown up, ruining Sergio’s day, and still hadn’t really told him why. He was so pathetic.

He took a deep breath and then forced himself to speak. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad once he started. “I- I haven't felt like myself in so long, I don't know what I'm feeling anymore. I don’t know what to do. I thought it'd be better if I left but I don't feel better now. I… I thought I was doing the right thing but now I don't even know if this is what I want anymore.”

He looked up, eyes finally meeting Sergio's and it was such an intense look they shared, it gave Fernando goosebumps. Sergio noticed and he also felt the tension that had built up with Fernando's words, his confession of how lost he felt, helpless. All he wanted in that moment was to make it better, to help Fernando get over this and be happy again.

“God, Fer…” Without thinking, he let go of Fernando's hand and reached for him pulling him in for a hug, desperate to touch him, show him some kind of physical support and affection. “It's normal that you feel confused. You made a big decision and it's gonna take some getting used to. But that doesn't mean you have to doubt yourself. Even the right decision can feel wrong at first.”

Sergio was improvising, he had no idea what was the right thing to say and he just hoped that his words didn't come off wrong in any way or that he had stepped any boundaries by pulling Fernando close. But he could feel him relax slightly in his touch once again, which could only be a good sign.

Fernando rested his forehead against Sergio’s shoulder, grateful for the contact after the initial surprise and immediately feeling a little less shaky and insecure. He could feel Sergio’s hand resting on his lower back, so warm and gentle but also as strong as if he never wanted to let go again. And somehow it made him feel like it was okay to spill it all to Sergio, to say what he really wanted to say. Maybe because that moment felt so intimate, the way they were holding each other.

“You know how I always felt so guilty about what we were doing.” Fernando’s voice was quiet but steady, and his lips almost touched Sergio’s skin as he spoke, making him shiver. “And when I found out I was gonna be a dad again, I wanted it to stop, to move on from that, to just be there for my family like it should be. I wanted to do right by them.”

He paused, taking a moment before slowly pulling back to look at Sergio again. “But I had no idea the guilt I would feel for ending what we had, for hurting you, would be way worse than that.” He was barely able to take the sad look that had taken over Sergio’s eyes, but he had to continue now. He had to get out the last bit, too, and then he didn’t care about what would happen after. 

Carefully, Fernando leaned in until his forehead was touching Sergio’s. He closed his eyes and breathed in deeply. “I only ever wanted to be with you, Sese. And it's so hard to live knowing I ruined that.”

Sergio’s heart clenched at those words, at how hurt Fernando sounded and that apparently he really believed that he had ruined everything for them. Which was clearly not the case, or else they wouldn't be clinging to each other right now, confessing their undying feelings for each other.

Sergio had - just hypothetically - already thought about this earlier, while Fernando had been sleeping, that this was a chance for them. To make things right and give it another shot maybe. They obviously still had feelings for each other, and Fernando was free now, no longer held back by his marriage which had always been the biggest obstacle for them.

He knew he might be getting ahead of himself but he just had to say it. Fernando had finally opened up at least a little, he'd been honest with him so he wanted to do the same. “You can still be with me now”, he said quietly, trying his best not to sound overly hopeful or enthusiastic. He didn't want to overwhelm Fernando or pressure him.

“I never blamed you for the decision you made. I knew you didn't want it, but you felt that it was the right thing to do at the time. And it hurt you as much as it hurt me.” Sergio raised his free hand and cupped Fernando's cheek. “And I don't know why you think you still have to suffer, because to me it looks like you've already been through enough, so you really don't have to make yourself miserable. You deserve to be happy, Fer. And you should do what makes you happy.”

“I don't know what makes me happy”, Fernando whispered, eyes drifting shut as his cheeks blushed again at how openly he was talking to Sergio now. But he felt liberated, lighter now that he had gotten all of that off his chest.

“We’ll find out.” He could hear the smile in Sergio's voice and then felt his lips placing a gentle kiss on his forehead. It made him feel all warm inside for a moment, until another thought crossed his mind.

“But what about your family? What about Pilar?” He couldn't help but sound slightly panicky. His own family was one thing, but he didn't want to be a home wrecker and break up Sergio's family, too, if they were really gonna do this. He couldn't have that on his conscience, too.

Now it was Sergio's turn to blush slightly and he glanced down shyly for a second before looking at Fernando again. “She knows, so… it's not a problem.” Fernando's eyes went wide and he sat back, shocked to learn that apparently their secret wasn't a secret anymore. “What? How?”

His mind was racing, trying to understand how it could be possible. How she could know about them and still be with Sergio. How she could know and hadn't taken his children away, or sold him out to the papers. Not that he thought she was a bad person or anything, but it was what usually happened to cheating boyfriends and husbands on their level of fame.

“I told her.” Sergio scratched his head. “It's fine. We're fine. And she's not gonna tell anyone, so you don't have to worry.” He knew it wasn't a proper explanation but he didn't feel like going into full detail right now, he just wanted to reassure Fernando that there wasn't anything to worry about and he hoped that would be enough for the moment.

Fernando still looked a bit confused but he nodded, shoulders sagging. “If you say so.” He trusted Sergio and he was sure he'd explain at some point. It would be inevitable anyway if they really got back together.

Sergio just smiled in response, his eyes lighting up with love and emotion and he took Fernando's hand again. “Have you eaten today? Are you hungry?” Fernando nodded as he realized that he was actually starving, that he hadn't eaten anything since breakfast. All that stress had kept him from noticing how empty his stomach was.

“I'm gonna get some takeaway. I was thinking Chinese, or Indian maybe? Your choice.” Sergio was aware that neither his nor Fernando's diet really allowed that but if there ever was an appropriate time for comfort food, it was now. And he knew Fernando loved it, especially Indian food, which he’d gotten into during his time in England. He'd been over the moon when they had found out there was a decent Indian place not too far from the apartment.

Fernando seemed to be thinking really hard aboutit, and Sergio was starting to wonder whether he shouldn't have asked him and just picked something, but then he finally spoke up. “I haven't had either in a long time but… Indian, I guess.” He didn't sound too sure about it though. Sergio smiled again and lifted Fernando's hand to kiss his knuckles.

“Perfect, I was thinking Indian too”, he reassured him before letting go of his hand and getting up. “So I'll get the food sorted and how about you have a nice warm shower in the meantime?” Fernando nodded. “Okay.”

“I won't be long.” And with that Sergio left. Fernando stayed in bed for another moment, going over their conversation again and what Sergio had said to him. _You can still be with me now._ He knew he'd be able to face whatever was going to happen with Sergio on his side, but it almost sounded to good to be true. It couldn't be that easy.

He shook his head as if to shake off his thoughts and got up. He needed to get a grip. He would get a shower and then set the table for dinner.

When Fernando stepped underneath the hot stream, his muscles instantly relaxed and he closed his eyes, letting the water cascade over his body, enjoying the feeling. He thought about nothing at all, and for the first time, he finally felt free.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading <3


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wish this chapter could have happened earlier because I didn't mean to make everyone wait so long. But here it finally is!
> 
> We are getting close to the end now, there is probably only one more chapter left (but it's not set in stone so I'll have to see how it works out).
> 
> Thanks everyone who is still reading <3

When Sergio stepped out of the apartment and closed the door behind him, he took a second to lean against it and take a deep breath. He felt his heart racing and hands shaking as it suddenly hit him like a hammer what was happening. That he had a real chance of having Fernando back in his life, permanently. 

Countless times he had fantasized about this throughout the years, how it would be if circumstances were different, Fernando not married, free to be with him completely. Without guilt, all the time and not just a few hours or nights at a time, whenever the occasion arose. An actual life together. It was almost too much for his imagination.

Yet nothing was decided at this point and considering how confused and upset Fernando seemed, he had to be careful. Maybe he would end up changing his mind about everything and go back to his family after all. He wouldn't blame him, but he still didn't want it to happen. He wanted Fernando to come back to him, and stay. For good this time. But it wasn't his choice to make.

When he faintly heard the shower starting, Sergio pulled himself together and stepped away from the door, making his way out of the building and down the road to that Indian place. He realized that he didn't even know if it still existed, as he hadn't been there in over a year. Indian had always been his and Fernando's thing and he’d had no desire to have it without Fer. 

He had avoided all places and things that reminded him of Fer, save for their apartment. It was still a place for him to hide from the world, where no one could find him. Where he had been able to pretend Fernando was still in his life, about to come home from training any minute. Ready to slip in bed or in the shower with him…

A moan almost slipped past his lips as he imagined Fernando in the shower, drops of water streaming down his well-formed body, his muscles like a slide. How he had missed that body, strong enough to hold him when he needed it but also so soft at times, pliant, willing underneath him, begging for his touch and more. He shook his head, he shouldn't be thinking about that now. It would only cloud his brain and judgment.

Luckily he reached the restaurant then and suddenly he felt like he had just been there last week. Everything was so familiar, nothing had changed, as if he'd traveled back in time. Sergio remembered exactly what they would order back then and he ordered it now, too, watching people eat and making small talk with the waitress as he waited for the food to be ready.

On the way back, he almost had a little bounce in his step. That's how excited he was, about dinner with Fernando, sharing such a domestic moment with him. Eating, watching TV, going to sleep and waking up together - those had always been Sergio's favourite moments with Fernando. Because they were so mundane, normal things that made it feel like they had an actual life together and not just stolen moments assembled like a puzzle but with too many pieces missing. Those were moments where they talked about their daily life, training, teammates, friends, pressure, anything. And it always felt so good to be able to share with someone who understood.

Unlocking the door, Sergio wondered whether they would speak about things like that now as well or if it would be different. If they would find anything to talk about at all? Yes, he knew they would. He didn't feel awkward anymore. He somehow had that feeling inside that everything would be okay.

“I'm back”, he called out in his new confidence, closing the door and almost bumping into Fernando, who had snuck up on him. He wanted to say something but Fernando was quicker. “I was waiting for you.” Fernando sounded serious and when Sergio looked at him he thought there was a strange look on his face. Sergio's heart dropped. He no longer felt confident or optimistic. Fernando had probably received a call from Olalla in the meantime and was now telling him that he was going back, to her and his family, where he belonged. His dream was over before it had even begun. Shit.

He felt the blood rushing to his cheeks, had he really been that stupid to believe Fernando had finally chosen him? After all these years? Quickly, he tried to make a joke in order to make light of the situation, soften the impending blow. “I didn't realize you were that hungry, to mob me at the door”, Sergio chuckled nervously, but Fernando didn't laugh. That was it then.

Sergio looked down then closed his eyes, waiting for it, for the words that would cut through his heart like a knife.

But they didn't come.

Instead, he suddenly felt Fernando's weight on him, pushing him back against the door as he leaned against him, arms wrapping around his waist. “I was worried you wouldn't come back”, Fernando whispered, face pressing into the side of Sergio's neck. 

Sergio let out a deep shuddering breath, letting Fernando's words sink in. He had been scared he wouldn't come back. He wanted him to stay. There was nothing to worry about.

It took a moment for him to process, to let go of his doubts, but then a relieved smile started spreading over Sergio's face and he put his arms around Fernando, holding him close. “Of course I came back. I promised you dinner.” He smiled even more at his own joke and how he had managed to keep the mood light, not wanting to start another serious conversation on an empty stomach. They really had to eat, especially Fernando.

Still he couldn't bring himself to break their embrace yet, it felt too good to hold Fernando, to have him clinging to him, like he needed him. Like he didn't want to let go, for real this time.

Sergio closed his eyes as he tried to think about how he had managed to survive a whole year without this, without Fernando and holding him close, feeling his body that fit just right into his arms. How he had been able to deal with the emptiness, the feeling that he had lost what had meant the most to him. 

He didn't understand how he had been so strong and kept going, because now, even after such a short amount of time of being reunited, he already started to feel like he couldn't be without Fernando ever again. He couldn’t and he didn’t want to. 

“What are you thinking about?”, Fernando asked quietly, his voice full of insecurity. It made Sergio’s heart ache, how he could sound so broken like that. It gave him a strong urge to protect Fernando, to heal him, to turn him back into the person he used to be but clearly wasn’t right now.

“About you”, Sergio replied, quickly adding, “About how much I missed you”, when he felt Fernando tense in his arms. He was probably thinking it was a bad thing.

Fernando was silent for a moment and Sergio started stroking his hand up and down his spine slowly, reassuringly. Until Fernando pulled back and looked at him, for the first time that night, and Sergio wanted to cry at the defeated expression in his eyes, the hopelessness.

“You missed me?” Fernando’s voice cracked at the end and he looked away, staring at the floor, visibly struggling to control his emotions. “I thought you hated me”, he sniffled and Sergio couldn’t help but pull him in again, his arms even tighter now, slightly trembling with the determination to hold Fernando safe and warm and just make him stop feeling so whatever it was he felt.

“Of course I missed you, I…”, he paused, nuzzling Fernando’s cheek as he thought about his next words. “I dreamed about you, I thought about you every day.” He pressed a soft kiss below Fernando’s ear. “I don’t feel complete without you. And I never stopped loving you.”

He closed his eyes, too overwhelmed by his own words and how vulnerable he had made himself by admitting this. But apart from the urge he had felt to finally get it out, it had seemed like maybe Fernando needed to hear this, that Sergio still wanted him, needed him, hadn’t condemned him after leaving. Sergio didn’t want him to feel guilty about it. And most of all he wanted Fer to know that he forgave him.

He waited for Fernando to say something, anything in return, tension building the longer there was silence and then he suddenly felt Fernando’s breath on his own lips. His knees almost gave out just from thinking about kissing him, imagining the sensation and the taste and feel of Fernando’s lips and tongue. He wanted it so much, his lower lip started to tremble in anticipation.

“I don’t deserve you”, Fernando breathed then, and that was the breaking point for Sergio. He tilted his head to bring their lips together without a second thought, just touching and resting against each other, while his hands came up to gently hold Fernando’s face, making sure he didn’t pull back now.

Sergio’s heart was racing, the adrenaline in his veins drowning out his thoughts and doubts one by one, and he barely managed to get out the words, “You deserve everything, Fer”, before finally kissing Fernando properly, tearing down that last barrier that had still been standing between them, separating the present from the past.

It was perhaps the most innocent kiss they ever shared but it was the most meaningful, and Sergio found himself completely lost in the way Fernando’s lips moved almost shyly against his, a touch that felt so new and exciting yet familiar at the same time.

His thumbs stroked Fernando’s cheeks, caressing the skin that was warm and soft underneath his fingertips like an expensive fabric that he never wanted to stop touching again, while Fernando held him close by his waist, their bodies pressed together, lost in slow blissful eternity.

“You deserve everything”, Sergio murmured into the kiss, repeating his words because he’d never been more sure about anything. “And I want to give you everything.”

**Author's Note:**

> Please feel free to let me know your thoughts, I'm always happy about comments :)


End file.
